26 posts tagged “talky talk”

the mother decided to talk to me about life choices, mainly those involving Che, today.

she's come a long way, i suppose, since her shocked reaction in 2001 to the realization that i was no longer a virgin! granted, i was in london on a foreign study program (FM had broken up w/me b/c he couldn't handle long distance) and i called her as i was bawling my eyes out b/c FM had promised to visit me and then ended up not coming b/c of passport/visa issues (he was a dual French-Taiwanese citizen at the time, and hadn't gotten around to becoming a US citizen yet). both of my parents hate FM now: my dad, b/c he broke up w/me; and my mom, b/c he CORRUPTED ME.

but she told me that i should be careful, about trying to commit or expect something from someone who will have less degrees than i do and who is not known for his constancy or ability to be responsible. she suggested that he may be threatened by my greater earning power.

HA! but i do see her point.

i'm pretty sure that Che's parents think that i'm a good influence on him--at least that's the vibe i got when i last saw them, 3yrs ago. i wonder how awkward things are going to get, this time around.

Che says that he is currently *in* love w/me...he has fallen in and out *of* love w/me in the past, but has always loved me, since close to the first time we met, apparently when i accidentally lit my hair on fire.

says that the "in love" part could use some work, and less distance between us.

i agree.

we're supposed to spend this weekend together, at a location that requires us both to get on a plane. i told him he has to buy the tix/pay for the hotel, that i need him to make that commitment. and that we need to have the second half of our talky talk, the part where we discuss the possibility of me moving to his time zone and him not randomly deciding to circumnavigate the globe on a yacht.

the smart ones say, judge a man not by what he says but by what he does, right?

not sure if i have fingers crossed or not...i need to lose 7lbs between now and thu and my mother's leftovers are not helping the cause!

i told him i love him.

his response?  i love you, so i just assumed that you loved me back.  [wtf?!?!?!?!  what kind of assumption is that?!!?!?!??]

we did not discuss the "in love w/ v. love" distinction.

he thinks that it was the weddingness of the weekend that got me all overwrought...i sort of agree.  VC and BD had a beautiful wedding, and i got to give my first wedding toast ever (well, it was during the rehearsal dinner).  other stuff later, but i am still recovering from little to no sleep and freaking out that Che and i now have to have a talk about the talk we had at 3am on friday morning...

well, not really, unless you count me complaining (but only for a short while) to EW and D&G about Che.

he called me and i got to yell at him for not calling me back over reunion weekend, and for not calling me back after i left him a voicemail (i was checking to see that he hadn't died).  Che has issues w/voicemail.  he (like D&G) hates listening to them.  but he says that i'm the exception...if he's going to listen to anyone's voicemail, it would be mine.  but this time, he didn't listen to either of them, and so he thought that i was mad at him for not coming to reunion.  i had to set him straight, and then yell at him.  it's always strange for me to do it b/c who am i to complain and be morally superior?  but i had good cause and he acknowledged that.  i was angry at him, not b/c of what we are or what we have been in the past, but b/c any person, any friend, should return a call that he asked for.  it's basic human decency.  i understand that work is work, but he didn't even call me back to tell me that he couldn't come.

he says that he is going to take my comments to heart and work on being a better person.

he's invited me out to [fabulous city] after the bar, b/c he's housesitting.  after the deadline for turning in my thesis (or for failing to turn in my thesis), i'm so there.  i may not oblige w/the daily blowjobs that he would apparently enjoy, however.

i met up w/JCG today and we had a long talk about all sorts of things.  she still loves me but she's worried about my actions.  me too.  apparently i didn't remember portions of my fantabulous night a few weeks ago.  it's scary.

at least she acknowledges that some of the things that she did weren't the nicest or most appropriate, and i definitely acknowledged that my behavior was stupid stupid stupid.

she thinks that i am trying to find my boundaries w/alcohol still.  considering that i'm 26, this shouldn't be happening.  i thought i had that all taken care of.  sigh.

oh, and her sister's husband is trying to win the sister back now.  figures.

just when i decluttered my life by ending things w/TR, i just had to go and have a serious talk w/Che.

don't know if he's going to call me back...ever.

grad school crap + lack of job prospects after graduation + totally fucked up non-relationship = my life sucks right now.

i called TR and ended things this evening.  JCG, who is apparently a break-up expert, gave me some good tips.  i'm now a big fan of "i'm sorry if i disappointed you."  this is b/c i'm not a "it's not you, it's me" fan.  i mean, it was him!  he didn't do anything wrong, he just wasn't my cup of tea.  i am perfectly capable of being in a relationship, but i don't want to be in one w/him!  likewise, why i couldn't say "i'm not ready for a relationship right now."  i try not to tell falsehoods during relationship talks.

so he didn't cry or anything, but he did say he was sad.  i'm pretty sure he didn't see it coming.  oops for him.  oh well, we're going to stay friends and all.

MB thinks that i should go and make some bad decisions.  i did go out downtown w/SSM and JCG earlier in the week, but felt no great desire to pursue anyone or anything.  i think i am just going to enjoy being young, attractive, and single.

at some point last night, even tho i had resolved to not engage in any more funny business w/TR, we did do so, and then again this morning...i've got to stop this.

also, in the course of conversation, he revealed that he really likes me, doesn't date more than one girl at a time, is "getting older" and so only dates girls he sees some possibility of future stuff (like marriage and kids) w/, and feels "really good" about us.

uh oh.

somehow he hasn't asked me to express my feelings on any of those things.  no vice versa.  b/c if he did i, in the interest of honesty, would say that i:
-like him but not enough and it's just that i have no willpower when it comes to funny business that causes me to continue doing it w/him
-can and am dating more than one person at a time
-do not really see a future w/him, and
-am trying to figure out how to let him down gently and still remain friends and be his date to BM and PCG's wedding in august.

last night, Che called and left me multiple voicemail messages b/c he couldn't understand why i wasn't answering my phone.  i ended up calling him back (i was at a concert w/EW) and was still on the phone w/him when TR showed up...awkward.  TR bought a toothbrush on his way over last night (but no condoms!!!)  and before he left this morning i told him that he should take it w/him b/c it would be weird if he left it here.  i am going to a wedding w/MB later today, and am still crossing my fingers that i will somehow end up going home w/SSM.  he carries magnums around, and from past experience i know that he looks totally hot in his tiny boxer briefs.

why can't Che hurry up and say he wants me to be his, exclusively, again?  it would make things so much easier.  i guess he doesn't know to ask.  and who knows if he would if he *did* know.  i was talking to CG about Che last week, and she revealed that last time she had lunch w/a mutual friend/acquaintance of ours, he ended up kissing her goodbye in the parking lot, so she kissed him back, and they ended up in a makeout session in the parking lot that involved him grabbing her ass.  this was a sunday afternoon, in public.  she can't help the fact that she can't keep her hands off of him.  i guess Che is the same for me (at least in public; in private i really have no control over my animal urges, apparently).

i don't think i like TR enough to be engaging in the funny business w/him.  i appreciated the fact that he got me a vday present and wrote me a poem (it's so cute), but he publicly proclaimed his affection for me on a social networking site and that was a little embarrassing.  i didn't tell him that, but we had a talk last night after the funny business and i said we should stop, b/c we jumped into it so quickly...but this morning i reconsidered and convinced him that we could stop after today.

is it bad to be annoyed that he doesn't try harder to spend money on me?  it's pretty shallow, i know.  i guess i just got used to CS paying for everything.

i was at a party w/CB and others last night (i think one of CB's friends has a crush on me...i've noticed that he will stare at me if i'm in his vicinity) and got CB to tell me all sorts of complimentary things about me.  it's shallow to fish for compliments, but he likes giving them.  it's part of his girl-crazy nature.

i'm going to call Che later today and apologize for being so short on the phone...he called when TR was here and i had to get off of the phone really quickly.  will have to make up some sort of story.  ugh.  this takes too much effort.  i hope that he doesn't get paranoid and cancel his trip.  or is that me being antsy?

OS is out of neuro ICU but she's still sort of out of it...a little confused, and she's having short-term memory problems.  PBI called me today to see how she's doing, and i also talked to an ex (and now-friend who is also in her graduate school program, but in a different city in [current state]) of hers on IM and let him know how she's doing.  the neurosurgeon isn't worried about her, and so that makes me feel better.  so does the fact that the mother is doing all right; after OS's post-surgery seizure, she was so upset that she couldn't be in the hospital and was wandering around in the parking lot when i drove up.  it'll just take time for everything to come back to OS.  she has lots of friends visiting and calling, which is good.  she doesn't always recognize them at first, but eventually she does.  she read me the contents of her food tray when i talked to her this afternoon, which was a little strange, but she was pretty excited about eating real food.  it's almost heartbreaking how cute and innocent and childish she seems right now...i've been on the verge of tears more often now that she's awake and out of surgery than before monday.

TR called me today and we talked for about 45min before i told him i had to go and he asked me if i'd like to get a drink downtown tomorrow evening before we meet up w/some other friends.  during the course of our conversation, i proceeded to try on 13 items of clothing, purchase a shirt, drive to the supermarket, and purchase gelato for the dinner party i was going to.  it's b/c i can multitask.

Che did indeed call me tonight.  he's about to get that big promotion and so is going to [fabulous city] to see the building he's going to manage...which means the trip to come see me is off.  he said that it was a bittersweet decision.

i would've been sad, but i would've understood...but he tried to weasel out of it, by hedging a little and saying that maybe he'd fly back from [fabulous city] to [depressing city] on friday, and then maybe could catch a flight out to [grad school city] friday evening to see me w/o leaving the airport at all.  that's what upset me the most.  i understand that this came up and it's important that he go, but i didn't want him to tell me things to make me feel better, or to placate me.  one of the conditions i set for me to start talking to him again was for him to be honest w/me.  he agreed and finally said that he wouldn't be able to come this weekend.  he says that the job he's getting will involve a greater deal of responsibility and much of that will probably seep into his private life...but how long can i wait?  i don't want to be his practice guinea pig...i am not here to play around.  he assured me that he isn't either, and that he does want to see me and that [fabulous city] won't change him (for the worse) and he won't disappear.

i don't know.  he knows that i miss him and that i want him to come but i am not going to guilt him into anything or tell him he should do anything...except make a decision about whether or not he wants to see me.  i told him that i'm uncomfortable hearing him say certain things b/c in order to accept them i have to open up and acknowledge that i do expect things from him and that i do care about him more than...well...whatever.

we'll see how it goes.  he said he was sorry multiple times tonight.  he says that he really means it, that it's entirely voluntary, and that i didn't force him to do it.  he says that he sees where i'm coming from.  does he really?

i miss him so much.