7 posts tagged “ssm”

right now i am very angry at JCG.  and angry at myself.

i, along with some other soon-to-be graduates, went to an alumni reception at a fancy hotel downtown.  i ended up drinking a bit too much and, after driving myself and CC to dinner, proceeded to "pass out" in JCG's lap.  the extra glass of wine SSM bought me at the restaurant while we waited for our table just sped things up.  i spent some time on the floor of the men's bathroom, before JCG and SSM hauled me out (barefoot, b/c somehow i lost my shoes) and placed me in JCG's car.  when i protested, saying that my car was still at the restaurant, JCG snapped at me and told me that i should just call a cab in the morning to get it.  she drove me back to my house but we determined that the keys to my house were in the trunk of my car.  so, she then tried to drag me out of the car and make me lie on the porch b/c she didn't want me throwing up in her car.  i spent 5min arguing w/her b/c i didn't want to be left alone and i told her i wouldn't puke (i have a delayed puking mechanism).  finally, she drove back to the restaurant to get my keys, and on the way over, took $20 out of my purse to pay for my food (which i did not eat and everyone else at the table consumed), and called and told everyone that i was going to pay for dessert to make up for it.  at this point i was semi-comatose.  we got back to my house and i limped in and fell down on the floor in the living room.  i don't remember much else, except that i spent the hours from 230am to 11am throwing up.

when i checked my phone in the morning, JCG had texted me to say that i owed everyone else $40.  so at this point, i didn't have my shoes, i had no car, and i had no cash to pay for a cab to get back to the restaurant.  and i apparently was going to pay a grand total of $60 for a meal i did not consume.  how do 5 people end up w/a $40 bill for dessert?  by each ordering something and making it the most expensive item on the dessert menu?  after eating my pizza?  wtf.

D&G was nice enough to pick me up and drive me to my car.  and then i bought her lunch, but i volunteered.

now, i'm angry for a number of reasons.
***i'm angry at myself for drinking to excess.  drinking 5 glasses of wine on a plate and a half of hors d'oeuvres (sp?) is a really really dumb thing for a short asian female w/a low tolerance to do.
1) JCG gets really mean to me when she thinks i've had too much to drink.  she bitched me out for getting sloshed at my housewarming party, and after i, mortified, asked around to see if i had really been a hot mess, found out that i had been totally fine in everyone else's estimation, she did back down a bit.  nevermind that she loves "drunk [omphaloskepsist]" and this is the first time i've gotten sloppy in the entirety of our acquaintance.  (and she didn't even see me puke!!!)
2) last time she got sloppy and puked all over the place, i took care of her and never bitched her out or berated her or told you "i told you so."
3) i was going to offer to pay for her meal and maybe part of SSM's b/c of my drunken behavior, but where does she get off volunteering me to pay for everyone?  they each get $12 b/c i ruined their night?  to my best recollection, i did not do any of the following: make a scene, throw up on people, curse at people, or throw things at people.  no one at the restaurant ever asked me to leave.
4) WTF.  $40 on dessert???
5) someone told MB and i don't know who.

i called her today to ask her a question about graduation (tomorrow) but also to say that we needed to discuss what happened last night.  she was on her way to the airport to pick up her sister (the one w/the asshole [soon-to-be-ex-?] husband), so she said that it wasn't a good time to talk.  i guess we'll talk later this weekend.

no matter how outrageous i might've been (and i wasn't b/c no one told me to stop drinking or questioned my behavior until i started feeling ill at the restaurant...except for MB but that was back at the reception b/c he didn't go to dinner), i don't think JCG treated me very well.  maybe i don't remember enough, but when i talked to CC on gchat today, he didn't say that my behavior was awful or anything like that.  i think that for some strange reason JCG is harder on me than anyone else in terms of drinking and subsequent behavior.  and it's terribly unfair.  she is one of my closest friends here in [grad school city] and i would never have thought that anyone would've treated me the way that she did, last night.  i can't even imagine it.  especially since i have never been in that position w/her before (not like it's an excuse, but it's not like she can say that she is sick and tired of my behavior or something).  for someone who has been amazingly supportive when it comes to boy issues and my thesis drama of earlier this spring, i'm just baffled by her response last night.  i've been there for her.  why did she treat me like an annoyance and a burden last night?

some other things that anger me:
1) my mother and OS will not be coming to graduation tomorrow, b/c OS is supposed to graduate from her graduate program on sunday and is still working to finish everything up.  they are definitely not coming to my first (morning) graduation ceremony, but might be able to make it to the ceremony for my second graduate degree.  i know that OS is working as hard as she can and has severe obstacles to overcome, but i can't help but think that my mother has placed OS first for so long now.  yes, i'm a horrible person for saying this.  at least i'm not vocalizing it to anyone.
2) CB and RND are too cuddly for a couple that is no longer a couple.  it's ridiculous.  and he invited the other girl over to hang out again!  at least it wasn't my house this time.  it was BW and her fiance's house.  CB is just an emotionally manipulative jerk and i am getting more and more fed up w/him.
3) no matter how much i want it to happen, i am still not officially graduating this may.  i'm afraid that i will end up breaking into tears at some point tomorrow, during one or both of the ceremonies, as the frustration gets to be too much.

i called TR and ended things this evening.  JCG, who is apparently a break-up expert, gave me some good tips.  i'm now a big fan of "i'm sorry if i disappointed you."  this is b/c i'm not a "it's not you, it's me" fan.  i mean, it was him!  he didn't do anything wrong, he just wasn't my cup of tea.  i am perfectly capable of being in a relationship, but i don't want to be in one w/him!  likewise, why i couldn't say "i'm not ready for a relationship right now."  i try not to tell falsehoods during relationship talks.

so he didn't cry or anything, but he did say he was sad.  i'm pretty sure he didn't see it coming.  oops for him.  oh well, we're going to stay friends and all.

MB thinks that i should go and make some bad decisions.  i did go out downtown w/SSM and JCG earlier in the week, but felt no great desire to pursue anyone or anything.  i think i am just going to enjoy being young, attractive, and single.

the wedding was good, but i did not go home w/SSM...i did talk to him a bit and do a little dancing, but he seemed to have his sights set on a forgettable blonde so i wasn't going to stand in his way.  oh, and JCG got sloppy after having a bit too much to drink, so i took her home w/me.

what i did learn, that next morning during lazy hangover talk, is that JCG, super-sleuth that she is, has figured out who MB has been seeing, and it turns out that he has a rather familiar arrangement w/this poor younger [grad student].  they are seeing each other exclusively, have "date nights", but he doesn't acknowledge her in public as someone he's dating, and if either of them starts seeing someone else and does the funny business, their arrangement is off completely.  it's a more secretive version of the [omphaloskepsist]-CS relationship.  at least CS openly acknowledged my presence in public (lots of PDA), and people knew that we were seeing each other.  he's hidden this pseudo-relationship from the rest of the world since...OCTOBER.  4-5mos of secrecy.

for someone who was not shy in letting me know how crappy my relationship was, MB sure has a lot of balls to initiate the same kind of relationship (but worse) w/someone else.  maybe he was inspired by my story...

now i'm disgusted.

is it bad that i pretended that i was sleeping when TR called last night, so that i could talk to Che instead?

i disgust myself, too.

at some point last night, even tho i had resolved to not engage in any more funny business w/TR, we did do so, and then again this morning...i've got to stop this.

also, in the course of conversation, he revealed that he really likes me, doesn't date more than one girl at a time, is "getting older" and so only dates girls he sees some possibility of future stuff (like marriage and kids) w/, and feels "really good" about us.

uh oh.

somehow he hasn't asked me to express my feelings on any of those things.  no vice versa.  b/c if he did i, in the interest of honesty, would say that i:
-like him but not enough and it's just that i have no willpower when it comes to funny business that causes me to continue doing it w/him
-can and am dating more than one person at a time
-do not really see a future w/him, and
-am trying to figure out how to let him down gently and still remain friends and be his date to BM and PCG's wedding in august.

last night, Che called and left me multiple voicemail messages b/c he couldn't understand why i wasn't answering my phone.  i ended up calling him back (i was at a concert w/EW) and was still on the phone w/him when TR showed up...awkward.  TR bought a toothbrush on his way over last night (but no condoms!!!)  and before he left this morning i told him that he should take it w/him b/c it would be weird if he left it here.  i am going to a wedding w/MB later today, and am still crossing my fingers that i will somehow end up going home w/SSM.  he carries magnums around, and from past experience i know that he looks totally hot in his tiny boxer briefs.

why can't Che hurry up and say he wants me to be his, exclusively, again?  it would make things so much easier.  i guess he doesn't know to ask.  and who knows if he would if he *did* know.  i was talking to CG about Che last week, and she revealed that last time she had lunch w/a mutual friend/acquaintance of ours, he ended up kissing her goodbye in the parking lot, so she kissed him back, and they ended up in a makeout session in the parking lot that involved him grabbing her ass.  this was a sunday afternoon, in public.  she can't help the fact that she can't keep her hands off of him.  i guess Che is the same for me (at least in public; in private i really have no control over my animal urges, apparently).

i could've gone home w/a pretty cute brazilian tonight, but i chose not to.  why didn't i?

is it b/c i have standards?
or b/c i wanted to go home w/SSM?
or am i still hung up on CS?
or b/c i was afraid of MB's disapproval?

i don't know.

all i know is that i'm drunk, i have a white rose, and there will be no funny business tonight.

i need to move on.  had a date w/CS last night, and it almost broke my heart.  he has been out of sorts lately, and was able to turn what was a happy, bubbly [omphaloskepsist] into a quiet, monosyllabic utterer by the end of dinner.  he is so frustrated at work now and generally angry/depressed/etc that i don't know what to do.  well, i know what i need to do, but...

i didn't want to leave him alone last night, and so i stayed over, even tho i couldn't spare the time or the sleep hours and he had to go back to work for an hour or two.  when he came back, he ended up smoking a joint b/c he couldn't sleep, so i smoked up w/him.  partly b/c it was a bad decision, partly b/c i wanted him to be not-so-angry, and partly b/c i didn't want to be sober and composed.

this morning, on our way out, he told me that he was sorry that he wasn't better company last night.  i know that waiting around for him to feel better and wake up and realize that he wants to be w/me is futile and keeps me from moving on, but i can't help it right now.  i'm too stuck on my Old Cheese.  i'm a Hem through and through (i ended up reading "Who Moved My Cheese?" last night after i screwed up his amazingly complicated multimedia system).  a Hem who is behaving in a pretty self-destructive manner right now...even he could see that when i was describing my week of entertainment and hangovers (i didn't talk about SSM).  wonder if he thinks it's b/c of him.

what would i do if i had no fear?  can i be radically honest?  what is going to happen when i'm in [summer city] this weekend?

the combination of the "once" soundtrack, tiredness, stress, empty-heartedness, and weed consumption is making me so amazingly sad right now.

earlier this week, i was having a talk w/someone at my internship about relationships and rebounds...and i decided that my outlook from now on would be to look for bad decisions instead of prospective relationships.

so what has happened since then:
tuesday: 2 happy hours and then hanging out w/CB, who kept making references to my sexy outfit (it really wasn't; i just looked nice, as always) and how he wanted me to take my clothes off
wednesday: drinking and then more drinking w/HMM and another friend, and they spent more than an hour talking about my boobs and how hot i am
thursday: sushi and then pregaming and then downtown and then hooking up w/a rather attractive friend-of-a-friend, singer sewing machine (SSM).  no funny business b/c it's my time of the month but if i go out w/them tonight he'll most likely get another crack at it.  what concerns me is that MB apparently told SSM about my increasing boob size.  i have no idea why.

i haven't seen CS since last friday, when we had lunch and i almost fell asleep b/c i was so exhausted.  we did some emailing earlier this week, but nothing since tuesday...and he didn't return my VM message from yesterday.  honestly, i'm ready to go w/the casual sex.  if he wasn't being honest when we last talked seriously, then he might as well call me back so that i can get my contact solution from his apt.

taking it one day at a time.