31 posts tagged “musings”

so over thanksgiving break i was at home in [parents' city] and we made a family outing, per usual, to chinatown. we (the parents + i, since YS was visiting friends and her boyfriend and OS was working) visited the new asian supermarket and i was struck by the feeling that there are a lot of ugly people in the world, and whoa, they are married and having kids.

yes, very shallow of me but i couldn't help but think, if they can get their acts together and find another living being w/whom to procreate, i can do this too. and then i felt guilty for being so judgmental. this is why i am currently single to mingle i suppose. i know that physical attractiveness is only one aspect of the total package, but i can't help but think that it's the most important for first impressions.

and most guys i meet come up wanting.

except, surprisingly, this one lobbyist who works for our client (was at a work-related event this evening as one of his guests). he's entirely too short to be "my type" but for some reason i had the urge to launch myself at him and make out.

whoa there.

there is something about country music that just...gets to me. i understand that it's a genre of music that only appeals to a subset of the American population, but i like it. it's so--straightforward. which is a good and a bad thing, b/c so many of the songs are about growing up in small town USA, driving trucks, living life honestly and simply, things that aren't so bad. what sometimes upsets me is that i don't fit in that core demographic. my dad isn't a good ol' boy. i don't go to church on sundays. i was probably "made in the USA" but i'm the product of first-generation taiwanese immigrants (dad was a grad student, in engineering OF COURSE). i know how to shoot a shotgun but that's only b/c i had friends that taught me. sometimes i find the songs sort of insular, but in a way that is both conscious of that separation and proud of it.

oh well.

no one can keep me from wearing cowboy boots!!!

and read about long-distance relationships. b/c i used to be in one and now i'm not.

ha.

this weekend, while TM and i were in new orleans, i wonder how other people saw us...as a couple? some of the shopkeepers/waitstaff asked where we were from, as NOLA is really tourism-driven and of course we told them that we were out-of-towners, but from NYC and [northern city], respectively. perhaps some realized that we were just friends, and others thought we were in a long-distance relationship and had met up for the weekend. what's funny, tho, is that both of us are single and we effectively cock-blocked each other this weekend.

not that either of us was really looking for anything...and we ate way too much delicious and expensive food to want to get trashed and possibly throw any of it up. i love TM. perhaps someday we will live in the same city again.

there was a wedding that happened in our hotel (we caught the procession, complete w/bride + parasol and brass band, leaving the hotel as we were on our way in from an aborted po-boy pilgrimage) and seeing the intense happiness/giddiness/joy evident on everyone's faces gave me chills. someday that will be me.

but for now, i'll settle for wishing i had something to look forward to--in terms of a stolen weekend w/a beautiful boy, someone that i don't get to see on an everyday basis. b/c somehow a long-distance relationship is easier to think about than the scariness of having a relationship w/someone in the same city. maybe it's b/c i don't see myself in [northern city] long-term. or maybe it's b/c i have intimacy and commitment issues. something to ponder this labor day.

and i forgot that i wasn't supposed to answer.

damnit.

in other news, apparently i am the only ex- of JMS's that is invited to the wedding b/c i am the only one that the bride-to-be can stand. that's a good thing b/c she's pretty cool.

is it too much to ask that i get some action (at the very least, some kissy-face) at the wedding this weekend? i know that nothing like that ever happens when one is looking for it so i'm trying to be happy being single and such but COME ON it has been a month since i've gotten any funny business and who knows when will be the next time i will feel comfortable enough in my element to do something stupid. i'm generally satisfied w/my attractiveness and man-luring abilities, but that's b/c i always had a fall-back (not like Che was my back-up plan or anything, but i had that bit of confidence there). well i guess i still sort of have it. he mentioned something about how there are people he knows that don't like me b/c of the pain and grief i caused him and then he refused to elaborate on it.

but overall, i've never gotten any action at a wedding before. so it's not like i'm cursing myself or breaking some sort of streak (unless you count the non-lovin as a streak).

i shouldn't try too hard, tho, b/c bad decisions are, well, bad decisions.

and look! no tears! yet. just a small amount of bemusement.

another one of my friends from high school found me on facebook. and she's engaged. it's all the more shocking to me b/c my family moved away from [high school state] while i was in college, and i haven't seen said friend since 2002, when i lived w/her one summer and she took me to get my navel pierced. back then she had 7 piercings and was definitely positively single--she hadn't an official boyfriend yet, just casual hookups. and now she's getting married???

okay okay it was seven years ago. but still?!?!?

so many people are taking that big step, choosing to link themselves with another--if not always for the rest of their lives, at least w/that intention.

in light of this month's events, i honestly can't imagine that kind of commitment to anyone else right now...yet i want to be married. it's like i can't even think about the steps between.

and it makes me tear up. it's also just about my time of the month. that's my partial excuse.

i'm headed to JMS's wedding next month. hopefully i won't totally burst into tears at some inopportune moment.

i haven't spent weeks crying myself to sleep. i'm almost chipper when i mention to friends that i'm now 100% single. i've only lost 5lbs as opposed to my usual 10-15 (damn it!).

what the eff?

last week, i was hit by an unfamiliar excitement: i get to meet guys again and kiss them for the first time. i get to experience the butterflies and nervousness of learning about someone new and all that jazz.

most of the time, that's a good thing. but then sometimes, i think about what is familiar and comfortable. am i trying to hold onto something for the safeness factor?

just got back from a very spur-of-the-moment-trip to [northern city]. got the job offer on friday at around 1pm, need to accept by monday (tomorrow), they want me to start next monday 3/2.

looked at a lot of places, cursed at the GPS and horrendous [northern city] drivers, and hopefully didn't annoy D&G too much (she came for moral support, navigation assistance, and to procrastinate on all of her grad school homework).

i'm 99% positive i will say yes tomorrow, but i will have a list of conditions: work blackberry/iphone, perhaps a stipend instead of relocation reimbursement, and pushing back the start date, or at least letting me start working remotely from the office here in [grad school city] so that i have more than a week to find a place, pack, and move.

i wasn't too happy w/what i saw in [northern city]. i found a place that i was really happy w/this afternoon, but now i'm second-guessing it. the bathroom isn't big enough, the closet space is way smaller than what i have here, the windows have been painted shut (1920s "character"), and the kitchen is tiny. i've been spoiled by my blissful duplex living for the past year and a half, and probably won't be able to find something in [northern city] w/all of the qualities i desire: price, location (from work), location (in terms of fun/funkiness), condition of the property, reasonable (or paid) bills, proximity to green space, etc.

sigh. well at least i will be an official adult soon. here's to real health insurance (yay going to the dentist), paid vacation and sick days, and having to buy more work pants that are not denim trousers.

one thing that has really hit me this holiday season is how lucky i am.

how lucky my family is.

even tho OS had brain surgery and is still in the slow process of recovery (she and my mom are headed back to her internship placement in jan), and YS has an autoimmune disorder, our family is doing all right. my parents are still together, and my dad is able to provide for us, financially (hopefully i will be totally financially independent sooner rather than later [he pays for my health insurance and my car insurance and also paid my rent, graduate school tuition, and Barbri tuition this summer]). we have a roof over our heads, a small dog that is happy to see us, and the ability to go out and experience life.

we have our typical first/second-generation Asian family issues, but all in all we get along. i just hope that i can make my parents proud, and provide for them in their old[er] age.

and get married and have kids soon (but not before one of my sisters gets married b/c i sure as heck don't want the parents moving in w/ME).

i'm currently on pseudo-vacation, visiting OS and the mother.  we just got back from watching the movie "wanted" at the cheapie movie theater, and it got me to thinking about the mini-crushes i develop on male movie leads.

let's take james mcavoy, for instance.  i never saw that movie he was in about WWI w/keira knightly, so this one was the first one w/him in it that i've seen.  i don't find him blindingly attractive (he reminds me of SSM, actually) but by the end of the movie, i wouldn't have minded having his babies.  honestly, if i saw him on the street, would i feel the same way?

there's russell crowe, tom hanks, leonardo dicaprio, even...all dudes i don't think are terribly handsome, that over the course of 2hrs, i get a little gushy about.

is it the effect of good writing/directing/production?  personal magnetism?  or the fact that i'm staring at someone w/nothing else to fixate on?

i wonder if dudes get the same way.  or maybe i'm just strange.  i'm sure arguing about whose dirty socks are lying around really would kill the thrill, tho.

not like i think life should be a giant checklist of tasks, but ever since my college 5yr reunion i've been sort of obsessed w/the notion of the "grand trifecta."  none of my college friends have gotten all three, but all of them have made it to at least one or two, or are no where near completion of school so they aren't experiencing the almost-there-but-not-almost-daily-imminent-failure-freakout.  obviously, i haven't attained any of the three yet.

1-graduation from an advanced degree program: still slaving away at the thesis.  and i won't know if i passed the bar until november.
2-a job: i have a full time fellowship/internship for the fall.  it may lead to permanent employment, but it's a nonlegal position.
3-marriage or commitment to a serious relationship that will most likely lead to marriage:  HAHA.

this weekend, i was lucky enough to attend BM and PCG's wedding.  [CG refused to be my date to the wedding, saying it would be weird to witness her ex-boyfriend's nuptials.  i didn't think it was all that weird, but she ended up going to a wedding too.  so did JCG.  8/08/08!!!  i think that the wedding CG attended, the only asian one, was the only one that was intentionally on superluckyday.  JCG's cousin did not provide alcohol OR DINNER at her wedding.  pretty lame!]  it was pretty small, about 75 people, and it was beautiful, notwithstanding the muggy weather (outdoor weddings, in the summer, not my most favoritest thing).  they are both PhD candidates (BM will finish before PCG), so it's not like they have gotten to either #1 or #2, but they obviously crossed #3 off of the list.  sigh.  slim pickings at the wedding.  turns out BM's brother is also engaged.  he's getting married sometime in 2009.  i guess it's all right w/me, b/c he has facial hair and i'm not such a fan.  his loss!  heh.

also, CCC and her husband gave birth to a boy this past week (they kept the sex a surprise).  the picture she sent me is adorable, but frankly i find the prospect of 40hrs of labor to produce a baby to be quite terrifying.  40 HOURS!!!  she hasn't finished her PhD program, nor does she really have a job, but she just birthed a small child.

maybe i'm looking at this all wrong, but i really just want something to redeem the shittiness of this past year.  it's selfish, yes, but after 20yrs of schooling, i want something to show for my pain and suffering, or at least someone to whine about it to.