46 posts tagged “cs”

is it the bar-exam-and-thesis-and-lack-of-a-job-related stress?  or is it some strange summertime bug?

sitting in class today (yes, on a Sunday) i got the shivers for maybe the third time or so in the past week and a half.  i keep thinking that maybe i love Che.  i wanted to tell him that tonight, but i refrained.  don't know how it would go over.  i told him that there was something i meant to tell him but couldn't remember.  i guess that's the safest for now.

i love thinking about green grass, blue skies, ocean breezes, starched white cotton, seersucker, and madras plaid.

and then i think about him.  there is a stage that i reach w/every guy i seriously date, in which i think about what it would be like to run errands, do mundane things, laze about and lie on the couch w/the windows open and watch the curtains flutter in the breeze.  contemplate carpet or hardwood flooring.  do the sunday crossword.  the only persons i have shared my love of crosswords w/have been Che and CS.  one could be the love of my life (ha!) and the other is someone i try not to think about.

it's hard to say whether Che and i would ever spend enough time together to get sick of each other, as our consummated relationship has been comprised of weekends together and long-distance phone calls.  oh, and a 6-day trip to his hometown for New Year's 2005-06 that involved me meeting his parents and staying at his mother's.  before we were officially boyfriend-and-girlfriend.  she actually ended up renting a hotel room for us the night before i left b/c she thought we needed some "peace and quiet."  parts of the trip were uncomfortable and stressful and strange but over all it was still worth it, to see where he grew up, and to meet his parents.  apparently he talked about me for years.  when i ended things in September 2006, from which i received no acknowledgment or confirmation b/c he disappeared off the face of the earth for 3mos, i thought all of that was over and that i needed to realize that no amount of wanting and "knowing" that if i just waited for him to grow up he would be the one, would be enough to make it true.

it wasn't the same as my breakups w/FM and MB, which were devastating in their own ways, b/c there wasn't the same kind of buildup and feeling of "rightness" w/either of them from the beginning.  it also wasn't the same b/c having never dated Che in-city, i had had different expectations when it came to physical separation and contact.  during the breakup process, i didn't break down and cry as much, b/c i had grown accustomed in my relationship w/Che to keeping so much of my sorrow private.  i thought that i would move on.

but and then he called me, on Christmas 2006, and i told him that our story was not over yet, and that i knew that i would see him again.  but that he had to keep talking to me.  so he did.  and i did.

is it all coming back?  or is my mind just acting up?

argh. 

for aunt flo.  i am an idiot, and it took ms. virginal sweetness, CG herself, to tell me that birth control pills don't start working until after the first full month you take them.  [edit: upon JCG's expert advice, i went and read the actual instructions for my birth control pills and it's only 7 days.]  well that's only part of the reason why i'm an idiot.  i went off the pill in november, after CS and i stopped seeing each other, b/c i didn't see any funny business in my future.  except that then there was TR and Che and NM and many other guy possibilities, and i kept forgetting to go back on the pill.

so i've played this game where i announce to CG and JCG that "there is no bun in the oven" every time my period starts.  this time i cracked CG up b/c i told her that i would not be birthing any baby shoe salesmen.  but honestly, i think i'd have an abortion.  wow.  it's weird to see that in print.  and this is me being overly paranoid, since there is always a condom present.

but tomorrow is sunday and i am DEFINITELY going back on the pill.  or is it a week from now?  i'm confused.

the wedding was good, but i did not go home w/SSM...i did talk to him a bit and do a little dancing, but he seemed to have his sights set on a forgettable blonde so i wasn't going to stand in his way.  oh, and JCG got sloppy after having a bit too much to drink, so i took her home w/me.

what i did learn, that next morning during lazy hangover talk, is that JCG, super-sleuth that she is, has figured out who MB has been seeing, and it turns out that he has a rather familiar arrangement w/this poor younger [grad student].  they are seeing each other exclusively, have "date nights", but he doesn't acknowledge her in public as someone he's dating, and if either of them starts seeing someone else and does the funny business, their arrangement is off completely.  it's a more secretive version of the [omphaloskepsist]-CS relationship.  at least CS openly acknowledged my presence in public (lots of PDA), and people knew that we were seeing each other.  he's hidden this pseudo-relationship from the rest of the world since...OCTOBER.  4-5mos of secrecy.

for someone who was not shy in letting me know how crappy my relationship was, MB sure has a lot of balls to initiate the same kind of relationship (but worse) w/someone else.  maybe he was inspired by my story...

now i'm disgusted.

is it bad that i pretended that i was sleeping when TR called last night, so that i could talk to Che instead?

i disgust myself, too.

i don't think i like TR enough to be engaging in the funny business w/him.  i appreciated the fact that he got me a vday present and wrote me a poem (it's so cute), but he publicly proclaimed his affection for me on a social networking site and that was a little embarrassing.  i didn't tell him that, but we had a talk last night after the funny business and i said we should stop, b/c we jumped into it so quickly...but this morning i reconsidered and convinced him that we could stop after today.

is it bad to be annoyed that he doesn't try harder to spend money on me?  it's pretty shallow, i know.  i guess i just got used to CS paying for everything.

i was at a party w/CB and others last night (i think one of CB's friends has a crush on me...i've noticed that he will stare at me if i'm in his vicinity) and got CB to tell me all sorts of complimentary things about me.  it's shallow to fish for compliments, but he likes giving them.  it's part of his girl-crazy nature.

i'm going to call Che later today and apologize for being so short on the phone...he called when TR was here and i had to get off of the phone really quickly.  will have to make up some sort of story.  ugh.  this takes too much effort.  i hope that he doesn't get paranoid and cancel his trip.  or is that me being antsy?

during dinner w/JCG last night, she revealed to me that one of the reasons she's been sort of w/drawn (hmm, something i've seen quite a bit recently) for the last 2mos is b/c she's clinically depressed.  i knew that she had gone back into therapy last spring, but i had assumed that she had stopped for the summer, and hadn't gone back.

i have felt uncomfortable burdening my friends w/my "problems" here in [grad school]...something i didn't have a problem doing in college.  it's been hard for me to open up about the CS-related turmoil that i've gone through this fall, and it's much easier for me to talk about it when i've been drinking, or in a joking fashion...i've been telling people that i'm "lightly depressed", when i have time to even think about it.

but hearing that she has actually been in therapy and has been trying to cope with day-to-day life and impending graduation/job/real adult stresses shook me up.  my life isn't horrible right now; i'm just not happy.  she is more than just not happy...some days, the only thing that got her up out of bed was the fact that she had to let her dog out.

she suffers from the same reluctance to burden others w/her problems, and so i understand where she's coming from.  of course i will be supportive.  i just have to remember that i am incredibly lucky and it could be a lot worse.

you tell me.

i didn't expect you to unburden your soul today.

so sorry that our talk back in september really threw you for a loop, and that it's one of the reasons you've really retreated from life and things for the last two months.  it's not my fault but i take a certain twisted sense of satisfaction from the fact that you're apparently leaving the country and running away from your family for thanksgiving b/c you are feeling so out of sorts.

good for you that you've given up all illicit substances, and that you've realized that purely physical relationships aren't healthy.

i'm glad that you realized that we share(d) more than that and that you accept that i mean(t) something to you.  thank you for the multiple apologies for being an asshole.  yes, i am awesome, and if i really am the smartest person you know, you must know a lot of idiots but i'll take that as a compliment.

but why the fuck can't you reciprocate the feelings i feel for you?  i like you and i'm physically attracted to you.  you should feel the same way about me.  that's it.  i'm not asking for marriage.  i'm not asking you to father my children.  i'm not asking you to go to home depot w/me on the weekends.  fuck no i'm not asking you to be my boyfriend.  i never did and i never will.  ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS THAT THE PERSON I'M SLEEPING WITH IS NOT SLEEPING WITH OTHER PEOPLE.  WHAT ARE THESE FEELINGS THAT I APPARENTLY HAVE THAT YOU DON'T FEEL???

you can't have a purely physical relationship w/me b/c that would be leading me on and you'd be using me.  if telling yourself that makes you feel better, i will roll my eyes and let you think that.  like i told you, i don't like being treated like the poor naive little virgin milkmaid who is taken advantage of b/c she doesn't know any better.

but that means you don't call me baby and you don't kiss me goodbye.  that you don't rub my leg and stare at me for long periods of time like you want to devour me.  that you don't quote things and reference events that normal blockhead guys wouldn't remember from months ago.

who's not being radically honest here?

where do we go from here?  you never answered your own question.

i could've gone home w/a pretty cute brazilian tonight, but i chose not to.  why didn't i?

is it b/c i have standards?
or b/c i wanted to go home w/SSM?
or am i still hung up on CS?
or b/c i was afraid of MB's disapproval?

i don't know.

all i know is that i'm drunk, i have a white rose, and there will be no funny business tonight.

Che wants to come and visit me...either for bad decisions or not (my choice).

i think i am going on a date w/CS this week, tho.  i guess it depends on what Che means by "this coming week."

i need to move on.  had a date w/CS last night, and it almost broke my heart.  he has been out of sorts lately, and was able to turn what was a happy, bubbly [omphaloskepsist] into a quiet, monosyllabic utterer by the end of dinner.  he is so frustrated at work now and generally angry/depressed/etc that i don't know what to do.  well, i know what i need to do, but...

i didn't want to leave him alone last night, and so i stayed over, even tho i couldn't spare the time or the sleep hours and he had to go back to work for an hour or two.  when he came back, he ended up smoking a joint b/c he couldn't sleep, so i smoked up w/him.  partly b/c it was a bad decision, partly b/c i wanted him to be not-so-angry, and partly b/c i didn't want to be sober and composed.

this morning, on our way out, he told me that he was sorry that he wasn't better company last night.  i know that waiting around for him to feel better and wake up and realize that he wants to be w/me is futile and keeps me from moving on, but i can't help it right now.  i'm too stuck on my Old Cheese.  i'm a Hem through and through (i ended up reading "Who Moved My Cheese?" last night after i screwed up his amazingly complicated multimedia system).  a Hem who is behaving in a pretty self-destructive manner right now...even he could see that when i was describing my week of entertainment and hangovers (i didn't talk about SSM).  wonder if he thinks it's b/c of him.

what would i do if i had no fear?  can i be radically honest?  what is going to happen when i'm in [summer city] this weekend?

the combination of the "once" soundtrack, tiredness, stress, empty-heartedness, and weed consumption is making me so amazingly sad right now.

so, CS emailed me back on friday, to tell me that he has been very antisocial all week long and avoiding everyone, not just me.  and that he was going to [neighboring city] for the weekend, but that we could talk when he got back next week.

hm.  would it be a bad decision to tell him that i hooked up w/someone else (too bad we didn't have sex), or just plain dumb?

i partied like a rockstar on sat night.  went to a house party and generally amused myself by letting guys attempt to hit on me.  there was one dude who outshone the others in his persistence (which meant there was little or no opportunity for me to pursue the cute ones, sigh) and b/c i am still in bad decisions mode, i humored him and "gifted him w/my time and attention" (i repeated this phrase multiple times throughout the night, b/c it was appropriate and when i'm drunk and think i've come up w/something clever, i'll keep using it).  and i ended up getting sloshed, and getting dropped on the grass in the backyard when he tipped the chair we were sitting on, back, in his 93844756th futile attempt to kiss me.  he later tried to dance w/me in the living room, then climbed onto a coffee table to dance some more and fell down, and then when i refused to shake his hand on our way out, he stubbed his cigarette out on my friend's windshield.

cla$$y.  i just wish that there were more attractive guys in close + easy proximity w/which to make my bad decisions.