72 posts tagged “che”

-Che didn't call.
-i went to visit OS and we had sisterly bonding time.
-i met a guy who expressed extreme interest in me but that i was not interested in but i think he's gotten the picture by now b/c he is no longer persistently texting me.
-i lost my camera (this makes three. ugh).
-i have decided that i want to be a burlesque dancer when i grow up. my stage name: "violet come-lately."
-i went to two concerts w/SFC.

same old same old. still feel tired, still have 4 loads of laundry to do. still leading a boring existence.

STILL LAME.

i just got off the phone w/OS, who filled me in on what happened w/the guy she started dating. last i heard, they went on a few dates, she slept over and they spent the next day together hanging out. she was excited for me to meet him b/c he's unlike anyone else she's ever dated, and he also went to her college (graduated a year before) so even tho they hadn't known each other there, it was an interesting connection to have, especially in the city she's in right now.

and then he stopped returning her phone calls and took a week to accept her facebook friend invitation (i'm assuming she sent it before he went into radio silence). apparently they finally got to talk early last week (she's going on a psych rotation, and he's a psych resident, and she hoped he could give her a little feel for what she'll be doing for the next few weeks) and he gave her a "it's not you, it's me" sort of excuse for disappearing. which makes her mad and makes me mad. he was just an ass who wanted to get into her pants, and then decided that, romantically, they wouldn't work out. WHATEVS. fuck that. well guess i won't meet him and we won't go hiking when i go to visit her next month.

good riddance.

oh, and Che left me two voicemails late last night. the gist: "please call me back b/c there is something i want to say to you. something very nice. i know i have called you late in the past but i really want to talk to you. // i love you and can't live w/out you. i don't know if i can get more direct than that. i want to spend the rest of my life w/you. you were right when you said our story isn't over. i want to move to (barely populated state) and start our lives together, where you'll be the only lawyer in town and i'll do [a bunch of things that also involve real estate]. i'm ready now. i want to do this, this year. we'll have adventures and do cute things and do crossword puzzles. we'll have college reunions and [our college] guys will marry [our college] girls. call me tonight. please call me back."

which i did 30min later (after listening to the VMs twice, each) and left a VM, basically just asking him to call me back, but he hasn't called me back yet. sort of surreal. first of all, i can't up and leave. and secondly, i can't do this all again just b/c he's had an epiphany b/c who knows if he'll just change his mind a year or two from now. OS says: "it's just not the right time for you. that's not to say that it won't be the right time in the future, but you have to be strong w/the decision you've already made and etc etc." which i agree w/, of course, but it's so strange. i used to assume that he was going to figure out his life and then we'd move somewhere together. now, it's me that needs to figure out my life. i need to stay w/my job for at least another year, and then who knows where i will go? will i become a practicing lawyer? will i stay in [current state]? will i move to [eastern city]? do i really love Che enough to open myself up to the possibility of him flaking again? WHO WILL PAY MY STUDENT LOANS? [would the kennedys also get me a job?]

what he needs to do is move to [northern city] and be...normal...for a while. and then we can start talking.

SIGH THIS IS NEVER GOING TO WORK. PERHAPS HE WAS JUST REALLY DRUNK LAST NIGHT.

yeah, the righteous anger is on behalf of my sister. it's just resigned confusion on my own behalf. i find it almost a little funny. tee hee. i love being right.

i also love sweaty yoga. i do not love that my annual performance review is coming up.

i really dislike the phrase "it's the thought that counts." b/c it doesn't, when it's just a thought.

i don't want to hear about it if you never follow through!!!

Che called again last night (at least he texted this time, to ask if i was awake and so i said i'm about to go to bed) and i finally told him that it was fine to talk to him in general, but that it was 1am and i no longer had a vested interest in talking to him late at night unless he was in some existential crisis (his response: i'm ALWAYS in an existential crisis).

i feel better about that. perhaps i shouldn't have answered the text or answered the phone but whatevs.

and he *was* at the Kennedy funeral/procession/etc.

must remember that i'm better looking than him.

in other news, dudes in [northern city] and [northern city] in general are still lame. i'm going to start yoga. perhaps it will help me center myself or something.

but so far it's just the same old same old. i'm not sad, i'm not awesomely happy, either.

the boring run-down of my life:

on the man front:
so w/the recent deaths of the kennedy clan, i can't but think of Che. i wonder if he went to the funeral, or if he stayed in [fabulous city] while his kennedy attended. i've avoided the media coverage b/c i don't want to be reminded of him. how lame is that?

on the friend front:
IG had his island weekend earlier this month, and i went. it was a lot of fun, but things were noticeably calmer than usual, b/c everyone was in a relationship or paired off. there were 14 of us and HT and i were paired off, even tho i ended up sharing a room w/IG's ex-girlfriend. nothing crazy happened, w/the exception of a fight between BL and GL. but that's to be expected b/c he gets trashed and she usually takes offense to something he does or says; this time it was b/c she found his hidden stash of "snus".

they're nearing their first anniversary, and they recently bought a condo in [eastern city]. i was their first non-family guest in their new guest room! exciting.

JMS + wife had already bought a condo and were living together before they got married. FM just bought a condo, too, and his girlfriend is moving in.

i need to stop comparing myself to my friends. i need to stop thinking about how i am single and (although not unhappy about it) how i need to find a guy.

i'm headed to new orleans for labor day, w/TM. i'm assuming AA isn't coming b/c she didn't get back to me w/her travel itinerary. TM and i decided on new orleans before we found out that labor day weekend is "southern decadence" in NOLA, also known as "gay mardi gras". TM has promised not to abandon me for a random gay dude, so hopefully we'll do a lot of eating and drinking and perhaps i'll find a straight guy and kissyface at some point.

both EW and D&G were recently in town (but separately), and stayed w/me. apparently i've gotten more assertive since i moved to [northern city] (or so they tell me). i think it's b/c i'm less used to the day-to-day drama and therefore less inclined to take people's shit. the last time i was in [grad school city] CB and i got into a long, extended, late-night conversation about--what else--girls and of course it didn't go anywhere. oh, and TR is dating someone seriously enough to make it known on facebook, but she looks sort of dorky (later confirmed by D&G). i am totally hotter. but he's getting ass and i'm not. damn.

on the family front:
YS officially has a boyfriend. he's someone she met at nerd camp two summers ago, and they ended up at different colleges but still kept in touch. they've been together for a while, but she's only been comfortable w/the titles of boyfriend-girlfriend recently. OS has started dating in her internship city, and I AM OFFICIALLY THE SINGLEST SISTER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME. so depressing.

on the work front:
i still have a crush on SFC. we went out for bar trivia tonight (and won, natch) and i really just wanted to sit in his lap and kissyface.

blah. i need another distraction.

there are other posts i've been meaning to write but i just keep putting them off. b/c i can b/c this is my blog and i'm allowed to be a slacker.

i talked to CB immediately after my conversation w/Che, and we talked about his girl issues and my guy issues and he told me that he had never tried dating me (whatever that means) b/c i was too intimidating. i know that i do intimidate some guys but he said it was, specifically, b/c i am so smart and good w/my hands. this is not the first time i have gotten the hands comment.

so that was nice.

and i forgot that i wasn't supposed to answer.

damnit.

in other news, apparently i am the only ex- of JMS's that is invited to the wedding b/c i am the only one that the bride-to-be can stand. that's a good thing b/c she's pretty cool.

is it too much to ask that i get some action (at the very least, some kissy-face) at the wedding this weekend? i know that nothing like that ever happens when one is looking for it so i'm trying to be happy being single and such but COME ON it has been a month since i've gotten any funny business and who knows when will be the next time i will feel comfortable enough in my element to do something stupid. i'm generally satisfied w/my attractiveness and man-luring abilities, but that's b/c i always had a fall-back (not like Che was my back-up plan or anything, but i had that bit of confidence there). well i guess i still sort of have it. he mentioned something about how there are people he knows that don't like me b/c of the pain and grief i caused him and then he refused to elaborate on it.

but overall, i've never gotten any action at a wedding before. so it's not like i'm cursing myself or breaking some sort of streak (unless you count the non-lovin as a streak).

i shouldn't try too hard, tho, b/c bad decisions are, well, bad decisions.

and look! no tears! yet. just a small amount of bemusement.

so he's alive. and doing all right. we talked about work, what we've been up to, sort of.

he forgot to call his dad for father's day, didn't do it until tonight. if we were still talking, i would've reminded him to do it. b/c that's what i do, remind him to do the things that normal people do b/c i am much closer to normal than he is. of course i didn't tell him that.

i wonder if i was on some sort of to-do list that he can now conveniently check off. god.

he didn't go up for his 5yr reunion this past weekend, but he did take 2 days off to help sail a boat down part of the mississippi river (some sort of huckleberry finn-like journey).

it was so hard not to be short w/him on the phone and so hard to not fall back into the flirty back-and-forth we usually have--i had to catch myself a couple of times. stilted abruptness. i wonder if he noticed.

oh god it hurts so much.

but i don't know that not answering the phone would've been any better. i'm too nice for my own good.

was it really "good to talk" to me? god. i wanted to ask if he's seeing someone but that would've been inappropriate i'm sure. then again, is anything inappropriate between us? uncalled for, possibly, but i think we've long since passed that other set of boundaries (reference summer of 2007, mistaken email).

i told him that i'm going to JMS's wedding. when he asked who that was, i told him that it was the guy i was dancing w/that one time at a college party my junior year, when he tried to dance w/me but i refused. he has subsequently used that story as an excuse to never dance w/me in public but i finally wore him down at law school prom last year. he said i was rubbing it in.

RUBBING WHAT IN? i didn't remind him that JMS and i actually dated senior year. would that have been worse?

i didn't get to say what i wanted to say. i wanted to tell him that he's making a mistake about us. that this is wrong and we're meant to be together but i didn't. b/c i'm better than that, right?

and i have to let this go, right?

why can't this be some stupid dream that i can wake up from and tell him about and then we can share a laugh--

i hate him.

why is life so cruel?

currently on the phone w/Che.

not really sure why i answered the phone. wonder if i'm going to burst out into tears when the phone call ends.

hm.

i cried a lot this weekend. engaged in some retail therapy.

was watching DVRed episodes of In Plain Sight and something one of the characters (a recently widowed lady) said really struck me. she was talking about how every morning when she wakes up, she expects her husband to be there and it always takes her a second to remember that he isn't. and that second is always so painful and yet she doesn't want to forget about him.

obviously my situation w/Che is/was no where near that serious. also, it's a TV show w/paid writers and actors who are good at pretending--they're paid to do it.

but sometimes that's the way i feel.

i talked to EW about the whole breakup this weekend, inbetween giant gulping sobs and she tried to put things into perspective for me by talking about herself (it's one of her faults)...so she reminded me that at least i'm not over 30 and single, contemplating a move to another state where i know no one (she was recently laid off from her firm job and just interviewed for a federal clerkship where the judge apparently wants a 4yr commitment). this is true, but then again my grades in law school were no where near good enough to have even gotten that interview (and there's no guarantee that the judge will hire her--but she must decide to w/draw before the judge offers it to her b/c you just don't say no to a judge). and her dog is dying of cancer.

so relatively, i don't have it all that bad.

then again, all of my friends who are married and engaged have it better than me. i forgot to mention: two of my friends from college got engaged at the very end of last month (this was when i was apparently in my "it's okay! i'm fine!" phase). they went to a very very posh law school together (she transferred there after a year at another rather prestigious law school) but he started and therefore graduated a year before she did. he proposed 3 days into a trip they took to iceland (!!!) to celebrate her graduation. i'm not so disgusted by this b/c they have been dating since fall 2000, but she told me 2yrs ago that they were in no hurry to get married. and that irks me a little. it's my sad-sack responses kicking in. at least i'll get invited to the wedding, which promises to be a crazy affair (he's indian).

what else is happening? i had a dream that featured me cuddling w/SFC toward the end of last week. that was just weird.